第126章

  i can’t quite frame it in my mind. i
  only know that i feel like i’ve been lying to someone who
  trusts me. or more accurately, to two people. i’ve been getting
  away with it up to this point because of the games. but there
  will be no games to hide behind back home.
  “what’s wrong?” peeta asks.
  “nothing,” i answer. we continue walking, past the end of
  the train, out where even i’m fairly sure there are no cameras
  hidden in the scrubby bushes along the track. still no words
  come.
  haymitch startles me when he lays a hand on my back.
  even now, in the middle of nowhere, he keeps his voice down.
  “great job, you two. just keep it up in the district until the
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  cameras are gone. we should be okay.” i watch him head back
  to the train, avoiding peeta’s eyes.
  “what’s he mean?” peeta asks me.
  “it’s the capitol. they didn’t like our stunt with the berries,”
  i blurt out.
  “what? what are you talking about?” he says.
  “it seemed too rebellious. so, haymitch has been coaching
  me through the last few days. so i didn’t make it worse,” i say.
  “coaching you? but not me,” says peeta.
  “he knew you were smart enough to get it right,” i say.
  “i didn’t know there was anything to get right,” says peeta.
  “so, what you’re saying is, these last few days and then i guess
  . . . back in the arena . . . that was just some strategy you two
  worked out.”
  “no. i mean, i couldn’t even talk to him in the arena, could
  i?” i stammer.
  “but you knew what he wanted you to do, didn’t you?” says
  peeta. i bite my lip. “katniss?” he drops my hand and i take a
  step, as if to catch my balance.
  “it was all for the games,” peeta says. “how you acted.”
  “not all of it,” i say, tightly holding onto my flowers.
  “then how much? no, forget that. i guess the real question
  is what’s going to be left when we get home?” he says.
  “i don’t know. the closer we get to district twelve, the
  more confused i get,” i say. he waits, for further explanation,
  but none’s forthcoming.
  “well, let me know when you work it out,” he says, and the
  pain in his voice is palpable.
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  i know my ears are healed because, even with the rumble
  of the engine, i can hear every step he takes back to the train.
  by the time i’ve climbed aboard, peeta has disappeared into
  his room for the night. i don’t see him the next morning, ei-
  ther. in fact, the next time he turns up, we’re pulling into dis-
  trict 12. he gives me a nod, his face expressionless.
  i want to tell him that he’s not being fair. that we were
  strangers. that i did what it took to stay alive, to keep us both
  alive in the arena. that i can’t explain how things are with
  gale because i don’t know myself. that it’s no good loving me
  because i’m never going to get married anyway and he’d just
  end up hating me later instead of sooner. that if i do have feel-
  ings for him, it doesn’t matter because i’ll never be able to af-
  ford the kind of love that leads to a family, to children. and
  how can he? how can he after what we’ve just been through?
  i also want to tell him how much i already miss him. but
  that wouldn’t be fair on my part.
  so we just stand there silently, watching our grimy little
  station rise up around us. through the window, i can see the
  platform’s thick with cameras. everyone will be eagerly
  watching our homecoming.
  out of the corner of my eye, i see peeta extend his hand. i
  look at him, unsure. “one more time?